is officially the second best sport ever. It feels like killing poisonous snails in a Nintendo 64-colored world. It feels like firing a phaser. It feels like you can fly. It feels like Quidditch. You will sweat so much, and you will have more fun than is reasonable. Go play it right now. There is no reason to run, swim, get on a treadmill, or even to play any other sports. Cardio shmardio. It’s like the Holodeck version of physical activity. If you like science fiction, video games, or really fast-moving things, for the love of God and your heart rate, go. play. some. squash. Yes, it’s a little elitist, you do have to play in a gym, you have to have a certain amount of money in order to participate, but you can deal with your guilt about that later by using your new, improved respiration and circulation to do something good and/or to not have a heart attack. It is almost but not quite as much fun as basketball.

You can help me spread the word about this by singing Everybody Must Play Squash to the tune of…oh, you know.

That will be all.