I saw, back to back, the Suzuki ELECTRA and the Song of the Goat MACBETH.

The ELECTRA’s highly choreographed staging was lovely. Everyone liked the on-stage drummer, the over-the-top drama queen Clytemnestra, and the Chorus in wheelchairs. But I couldn’t help but be a little disappointed in how controlled it was. I have come to think of all movement systems, including Suzuki, as training wheels to help the performers achieve a sense of release and spontaneity. I didn’t see that in this production, and especially not in the Chorus.

It made me think of how many productions I did with controlled choruses, albeit not nearly as well as this. It’s a type of work I am no longer interested in.

I went into the MACBETH with disappointment already in my brain, as a result – and although I love SOTG’s work, this time, I was much more critical. I spent the whole production thinking, “Am I really going to try to work with them? Really?” and, by the end, had almost convinced myself out of the whole thing.

I was back on the train of thought that I’ve had a first-class berth on for eight months – that all my chorus work is derivative. That I should just quit. That I don’t know what I’m doing and I should stop. And I felt, again, like sticking my head in a hole in the ground and never coming out.

It was at that point that I realized something. It doesn’t really matter whether I come to work with SOTG or not, or whether I take Step A or Step B in pursuit of the chorus. I could do any number of things. But when I think of the possibility of one day working with SOTG, I am inspired, and I have a reason to keep working. When I think that there’s no point in even trying, I am in despair.

I have to keep believing in it to keep believing in anything.